Ilsa – The Wicked Warden

Ilsa – The Wicked Warden
American Video – 93 mins. (various copies have different running times) – Unrated

OK freaks, this one is for you! I tell you when you pop this sick puppy in the ol’ VCR it’s time to wallow in the trash… yep, we’re talking scuzzorama, a sleazola classic – in other words… this one is gonna be a fun one!

Dyanne Thorn stars as Ilsa (originally Wanda) in this Jess Franco trash masterpiece and she does so many horrible things to people that it’s hard to know where to begin! Ilsa is a sadistic chick who runs the show in some demented prison camp or something. The movie starts off with a shower scene where Ilsa gets in a hot bath and some women guards watch. After about twelve shots of her pouring water on her chest out of a sponge, the chicks in the showers start fighting and Ilsa offs the girl who started it.

Next thing we know this crazy chick decides to get herself thrown into Ilsa’s prison cuz it was her little sister who Ilsa nailed from the shower. With the help of some goofy doctor with a Clark Kent voice she ends up on the inside and face to face with Ilsa. First thing she gets hosed down and they make fun of her body a while cuz she has a forest on her if you know what I mean and I am sure you do. Then some dumb ass girls sing french nursery rhymes while others knit. Then we get to see Ilsa get a massage. Now at this point I was getting a bit bored of this “notorious” film. I had no idea where it’s bad reputation came from. It was typical Eurosleaze from Franco.

Then the trashola hit the fan. We find out that Ilsa has some interesting hobbies like lesbo torture, home-style acupuncture with sewing needles, lobotomies, spankings, shock therapy (you won’t believe where they attach the electricity) while she films it, whippings, brandings, beatings, snuff movies and even cannibalism. Never a dull moment in the Ilsa house. We are subjected to so many scenes of barbaric depravity I thought for a minute that I was watching a damned K-Tel “Best of The Bitch” compilation! It was at this point that I realized there was not one shred of plot OR decency in this movie, lucky for all you drive-in trash lovers! One prisoner says “You filthy bitch pig vampires! I will tear off your tits!” then Ilsa whips her ass like a redneck at a rodeo for an hour and then they cut on her some. As you can tell, this one has something for the whole family. Then in the middle of the film, we are treated to some crazy arty sex scene with Ilsa and some guy that isn’t in any other part of the movie! Then it’s back to sadism and trash for a bit until Ilsa finds out that this chick is the sister, then you can guess what happens…Yep, it’s time for a showdown in sleazeland!  Grab the popcorn!

It all ends with the prisoners getting pissed and acting like zombies and tearing Ilsa apart, complete with gore and even some cannibal chow-down action going on! This part of the film really grosses you out… and that means a lot compared to what was before it! All in all, I must say this one will offend almost everyone… and if offbeat, sleazy trash classics like this are up your alley, then search for it and find it – but I warn you, it sure ain’t pretty!

7 / 9 / 10

Attack Of The Beast Creatures

Attack Of The Beast Creatures
Western World Video – Unrated – 83 Minutes

I dug deep and found this very rare little splatterfest to review for this month, and though it may be hard as hell to find, it is a cool little low budget oddity that surprised me.

OK, the film starts off with a ship sinking, kinda like a Z-Grade Titanic deal, during the opening credits. The amateur actor survivors all row a boat to a nearby Island. Before you can say “Gilligan,” these castaways are convinced they are all alone on the Island… only we know different because we get some hand-held POV shots that are suppose to be someone watching from the nearby bushes.

Next we get some people screaming at each other for a few minutes kinda like on the WWE nowadays cuz they save all the actual WRESTLING for Pay-Per-View and just yell a bunch on free TV,and this one old man character is like Archie Bunker, only an amateur version.

Director Michael Stanley has set this film in the 1920’s and one character is a flapper. The plot starts to bog down here so Archie Bunker gets thirsty and decides he needs a drink, only when he bends over and takes a swig of the lagoon, it eats his flesh off in a cool gross out effects scene. Face melts, hands drip, gooey slime and blood pour everywhere. We’re talking first class chunk blower here. The rest of the flick zips along at a fast rate from here on out as crew members off-screen throw these creatures at the cast that look like that Zuni demon doll thingie from Trilogy of Terror with all the big sharp teeth that chased Karen Black all over. Same kinda thing except different. These demonic little dudes ain’t dolls and they hunger for a lot more than Karen. We’re talking absolutely no plot from this point on, just some great scenes of people getting attacked and swarmed on by these creatures. I haven’t seen flesh eating swarms of little killers like this since Piranha! I could go on, but I don’t wanna ruin it in case you are lucky enough to dig it up someplace.

I will say that the director and screenwriters must have done some way crazy drugs and watched Gilligan’s Island before making this thing… Original and way off the wall.  A true surprise!

6 / 8 / 2

Boarding House

Boarding House

1983 – Paragon Home Video – Directed by: John Wintergate

Boy, I have no idea why I chose it – but I am seriously scraping the bottom of the video barrel this month for this el cheapo trash flick shot in “Horror Vision.” It’s called “Boarding House” and was also released as “Housegeist” to cash in on the “Poltergeist” trend.  And what’s worse is I had a good time watching it!

OK… first off, this HorrorVision stuff is crummy! They show some black gloved hand clench a fist and a loud sound is heard that sounds like a bad synth effect. This means you should cover your eyes and ears cause “extreme Terror” is gonna be shown. I figure the whole movie should be viewed this way for ultimate pleasure…  But hell, someone has to suffer so you don’t have to – and without delay, we get into the grit of this gravy!

The credits put you to sleep right away, so be sure to fast forward. Then there’s some lame early 80’s computer scrolling and a guy reading it. I have no idea what it is about as I fell asleep twice before the actual film got rolling. I figure it really isn’t important to the plot. I finally woke up when the actual movie started because the beeping of the computer stopped, breaking the hypnosis, only to find that my worst nightmare was only beginning!

Some old guy gets drowned at the beginning and some red paint fills the water, then suddenly it’s night and we get full moon shots in a CLEAR sky while thunder booms on the soundtrack. Some chick is doing dishes in a house and gets her hand caught in a garbage disposal. Massive sprayage ensues.  Girl gets wild with dishes.  Good stuff.  Suddenly, we get more beeping computer crap.

Next we get bad acting from K-Mart employees and a guy who looks like Sting. Then some guy stares at a blood-filled hypodermic needle for a while and recites lines to it. Then some in-need-of-a-bag actress cannot take being in the film and commits suicide with her panty hose. A guy finds her and then we get that dumb ass HorrorVision warning and he goes ape and pulls some leftovers from a Bar-B-Que outta his shirt and acts all spastic.

Then we cut back to the house from earlier that looks really normal like one near my Grandma’s place. Sting goes in the house. He walks around and talks to himself and we get shots of people in a pool as he imagines them. There’s some bad garbonza shots of bad garbonzas that proves there oughta be a law about flashing such deadly body parts to a camera. Then Sting hears voices and thinks to himself while meditating in a goofy underwear outfit like he wore in Dune only skimpier and then he bugs out his eyes and moves pots around while we hear wild animal sounds on the soundtrack. Some dork knocks on the door and we are treated to Mr. Blockofwood actor, with a bad hat and clothes Oscar off of Odd Couple would NEVER touch. Then before we know it, a bunch of people show up at Sting’s house for a party or something. This part of the film roughly resembles Great Uncle Bart’s home movies, only darker and with less realism. Sting goes on and on about his love of bongos or something and people talk a whole lot.  More talking here than in a week of CNN. And WHERE was my HorrorVision warning for THIS part? It was the part that scared me!

Pretty Soon, some twit gets a ice pick through her hand and blood splats a bit and then they bury the ice pick in the back yard (!) and go back inside. Not sure why. Except one of the girls falls in the pool on the way in and we get to see her in wet (see through) clothes, proving that things CAN get worse!  Then they all talk in a kitchen for a minute and we are broken from our hypnotic talk stupor and we get a sudden shock as one of these talent-barren bimbettes takes a shower. It’s all suds and soap until She gets all ugly and next thing you know she’s wearing a bad Halloween mask and pulling dead rats out of it. Someone pours chocolate syrup on the walls in the shower and she gets all afraid of Nestles Quick and screams and her friend comes in and everything seems normal again.

Now, what we need to understand is that all the nekkid ugly people are very important to the plot! They contribute heavily to the overall disturbing nature and sleaze factor of this film, and besides, they are supplying the outright grossest moments in the film!

More pool hijinks follow, and a new girl, an Asian one who we will call Ming Chow, shows up. She likes Stings no talent friend and they start making like some bored bunny rabbits and then some girl that isn’t even in the movie gets in the shower. Then a guy gets attacked by a hair dryer and is electrocuted. The evil spirit of Conair was pissed because his hairdo looked like it came from Dairy Queen. Nobody hears this or notices he is dead. The box-of-rocks cast just keeps going through the same old routine of impersonating talking heads and trying to act at the same time.

Now we get close to the finale. Four girls get into bed together, like a slumber party and talk about something but I tried to tune it out. Just when we thought it was gonna be “Jammie Wrestin’ Night” at the Boarding house, we cut away… To a blond girl who gets nekkid and is in the pool where someone with a chainsaw comes after her. She just stands up and stares at the camera and we get bad close-ups on her eyes and mouth (nice mustache) and then it just fades to black for no reason.

When it fades back in, Sting is talking to his buddy with an Afro who wants to be Black Belt Jones but can’t, cause he has no talent. Just when you start to nod off from the banter…

We cut back into the house where the trio of tramps are looking for something (maybe a script?) under the bed. A hand shoots up through the bed for no reason and next thing we know the girl is in the woods running away from something only it’s lit with a bic lighter so nobody can tell what is going on, but I think she gets pulled into a grave by a bloody guy in a pig mask. I have no idea where the graves came from, but they must be near a cemetery with the bad taste to let these guys film there. Then she wakes up and it was a dream and she screams for 10 minutes. Her lame friends all talk to the camera and tell us it was “but a bad dream.” We should only be so lucky.  Confused?  Me too.

Back to the pool in the final act. Two girls wrestle around and we get more shocking nudity and even more shocking bad acting. Then some guys shows up to get one of the girls because he is engaged to her and “he wants her out of here!” I must agree with him at this point. Then one of the bimbettes gets mad at this and starts huffing and bugging out her eyes and she storms off to a bedroom and starts using mind-control and makes Sting spill wine on himself and the blond girl from earlier starts screaming because her friend starts pouring blood from everywhere and runs into the beach (!) where she bleeds more and is finally bloody and nekkid and she runs off into some waves. Then the bug eyed chick who went all “Carrie” plays with her stuffed animals and blood pours under the door.

Next thing Black Belt Jones shows up and so does some no talent band that had no idea what they were getting into, but they suck so bad that they deserve this movie! To prove this point, for no reason, the Black Belt Jones wanna-be guy pulls out a gun and shoots himself. I think either the bad band or the fact that he was in this movie made him do it. And they give you the HorrorVision warning AFTER he does it!

Then the singer for the band freaks and suddenly there’s blood all over her and she is holding her eyeballs in between her fingers and she falls at the camera three times and drops here eyes in some Malt-O-Meal that someone is making on the stove. Nobody hears her scream, but the blond girl suddenly looks like Lita Ford when she had the REAL bad hair in the 80’s and she is standing next to a fog machine with some colored lights, then we get the HorrorVision warning three times and she pulls some guy’s heart out – I think it’s his heart anyway – and Sting sees her and says “This isn’t right!” And bugs out his eyes and Lita Ford and Sting start fighting. Then someone turns off the camera and then turns it back on so the Lita wanna be “blinks” out like the witches on Bewitched, only you can tell real bad because the fog jumps too! Then Sting grabs a girl near him and hides her eyes. This is gonna be HUGE…. eh, not so much.

Suddenly, the action breaks and the computer thingie starts scrolling again with a five minute ending that I didn’t read. Then it’s finally over and I am still mad because that is 80 minutes of insanity that I still don’t understand but I actually kinda liked it.

Do yourself a favor – wait until you take some Nyquil before watching this one… or do so in a semi-conscious state.  It might help!  See ya next month – and I hope for both of us – I pick a better film!

5 / 6 / 2